I’m not eating.

Okay, that’s not entirely true.

The past two days I have had a little bit to eat. Today more than all the previous three days combined, but still, not really eating. By which I mean, thoughout the entire day I had half a bannana, half a small-medium bowl of porridge, and half a small slice of mince and cheese pie. The ‘half’ of everything mainly because I share with K1. Though that is planned sharing, but I’m not dishing up portions like I usually would for myself – the portions in this case are something in between enough for Katerina and enough for me. So, she eats first, about half, and I finish off the rest.

That’s the technical side of things.

I have a suspicion there’s a giant mental trip going on behind the scenes, because otherwise I appear to be healthy. External stuff at the moment sucks, forces have combined so that we have very little food in the pantry and our food budget has been almost halved due to one thing and another. And I keep thinking about wasted food, and food that gets thrown out that doesn’t need to be. We’ve improved a ton in that regard in the past few years, by smarter storage and smarter planning and simply less buying… but stuff still gets thrown out. DH is worse than I am about it, OCD and gray areas in food hygiene don’t mix well. The bulk of what’s getting thrown out around here mostly is leftovers of cooked meals. DH has developed a snobbery against eating leftovers in the form they were originally (i.e., if I have leftover chicken that I turn into chicken soup or casserole etc it’s acceptable – reheating the chicken is, apparently, not) and with ‘saving’ portions for him or for the kids for lunch etc, it’s getting wasted. And I keep thinking, well, not only should we not try to save anything aside especially (i.e., just eat it as we can) but if I didn’t actually serve myself a portion, but just finished the children’s…. that’s less wasted. And less cost overall. Instead of having a single slice of pie leftover and lonely, we can have half the pie left, which can be frozen and brought out on another night when we’re lacking motivation, and not seem so much like ‘leftovers’. Instead of throwing out half of Z’s cereal, if I ate it, then that’s breakfast sorted for both of us, no food wasted.

And there’s the final huge factor in that if I’m eating less calories, not serving myself huge portions, not eating mindlessly, but just small amounts here and there…. well, that should be good for my waistline and I can stop hating the way I look and the fact that size 18 stretch jeans never fit even first thing in the morning, because they need to be stretched to fit each time. Which just makes me feel fatter, each time.

The rational, or sensible, or logical, or whatever side of me thinks that everything about everything I’m doing is just wrong. But then, everything about everything I WAS doing was wrong too – hello, I’m obese. After going along for years doing things somewhat knowingly wrong – ‘right’ seems a very hard thing to achieve.

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