I don’t usually post very personal things here – personal thoughts and ruminations, sure, but I try to keep the mundane part of my life, the day-to-day, largely out of it all.
But that will change for this post, and likely for the following for awhile as well, just so I have a place to write and process things.
I am pregnant with my third child, and I had my 12w scan on Tuesday. I thought everything was going fine, sonographer showed me the head, the face, the little arms, the beating heart, the abdomen, etc… she mentioned she “wasn’t entirely happy” with the neck measurement but I took that to mean that she couldn’t get a good measurement due to the way bubs was lying (which happened with K1). She had the radiologist look over the films after she took all the pics possible, and radiologist brought me into her office and said that things weren’t looking good – she said the neck measurement was quite thick and that led her to think there was quite a high probability that there was a chromosomal disorder. She also specified she didn’t think it was Downs, but probably Turner Syndrome or another one (which she did tell me but I can’t remember). The paperwork she gave me listed a 1:4 chance of a chromosomal disorder of some type.
So I went home, with films and a copy of the typed report (which is slightly different to what they sent my MW as that one had handwritten notes all over it).
Midwife rang around 5pm, and asked if I’d been told the situation. I said I was told it wasn’t looking good but not details. MW then elaborated that as well as a very thick back of the neck, the sides are measuring ‘wrong’ too – basically the neck is webbed, the sides are connected still. In addition to that, there’s a posterior fossic cyst in the brain, something up with the lungs (she did tell me, but I had kids in the background) and part of the stomach is outside the body. Soooo…. it’s not looking good, and it’s really more than just a ‘bad measurement’. At this point the word from both MW and radiologist is that it’s probable the baby will not survive the pregnancy, and even if so will likely die shortly after birth. I’ve been referred to the hospital, where the plan is to do another scan, some blood tests, and probably and amnio and/or CVS. MW wants me to be seen this week – so ideally we should know sooner rather than later.
So, that’s the facts as we know them now.
The rest is…. everything else I guess.
Although I realise nothing is set in stone and there IS still a chance of either life and/or a good healthy life – I’m very much not ruling that out – I really need to prepare myself for the liklihood that’s NOT the case. Which means dealing with the fact that if the baby is not going to survive – be it til 40 weeks or 2 months old – what do we do? I never imagined I’d be in the position to have to consider aborting my baby, but that’s what we could be looking at. And it sucks, because I WANT the baby, but I don’t want to carry to term and go through labour to deliver an already dead baby. Nor do I want to give birth to a live baby to watch it die in the first hours / days of it’s life. I don’t know if I could cope with that. To me, it does seem easier that if those are our choices…. it’s easier to do it now, when there’s less bond with bubs, where I can feel even slightly more removed from the process. I’ve seen the heart beating and bubs bobbing away and on the one hand I treasure that.
My religion has been kind of self-defined lately (tho I still am very spiritual) but I’m freaking pissed at God / Goddess right now. I don’t know why shit happens – to me or anyone – but obviously it does happen. But I’m still unhappy with God.
I’ve been thinking, even before I was told anything was wrong, that this would be our last baby. I’m still thinking that – even if this one doesn’t make it one way or the other…. I think I’m done. I don’t think I could cope with all the heartache, worrying, and paranoia anymore. I’ve been blessed with two delightful, gorgeous girls…. and maybe I should just leave it at that.