Though, of course, that’s not obvious to anyone yet.
And of course we still don’t have official word on what will become of what is currently the ‘fetus’, and in fact likely won’t have a full diagnosis for another couple of weeks at best.
But my baby is real.
I’ve started thinking of the baby as a her, though that’s really only based on the speculation that it could be Turner Syndrome (which only effects females). We’ll find out for sure either way, but for now bubs is a she to me. I have a name tentatively picked out for ‘her’ as well, though as yet no idea whether D will go along with it.
No firm decisions have been made, or will be until we have more official results one way or the other. However at the moment I’m leaning very strongly towards letting nature take its course, whatever that may be.
There’s a hope in me as well that even if the baby has no chance at life outside the womb, that she’ll be able to hold on until 20 weeks. The reason for that is multilayered… but largely that’s because that’s the date at which point the loss of the pregnancy is classified as ‘stillbirth’ rather than ‘miscarriage’ in New Zealand. Babies born from 20 weeks need a birth certificate and a death certificate. They officially exist. Before that, the family can make whatever prepartions they choose to… but in the eyes of the government and medical people it’s just a ‘late miscarriage’ rather than a true loss of life. When I first found out the news, I was anxious to avoid the process of labour if the odds were we weren’t going to get a live baby out of it – but since then I’ve learned that most terminations done from 13 weeks gestation (of which I already am, nevermind the two weeks the CVS results will take) are hospital based inductions of labour rather than a surgical D&C. If I have to labour anyway, that’s one less reason to terminate, and I don’t have a lot of reasons to do so anyway.
In the meantime, we are still absolutely hoping for a miracle, but preparing for the worst at the same time. My emotional state changes on a daily basis, but today I think I’m kind of okay with it. By no means is this what I wanted or envisioned for myself and my family… but I can get through. I do believe there’s a reason for everything, and although I don’t know what the reason for this is, that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I don’t know if it will make me stronger as such… but maybe it’ll show me that I am already strong enough.