and I think I’m afraid to admit it.
But I am – I am mad at God right now.
I have been a long time believer that the Universe (aka God) provides. Not without work, and not without faith… but when God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.
I can’t find that window just now.
When we lost our baby girl, I figured there was a long-term reason for it. I had to really – the idea that “shit happens” for no reason at all doesn’t sit well with me. I’d failed at the whole creating a healthy baby thing, so I figured something else was planned.
Damned if I know what it is. I’ve put out quite a few job applications, gotten a couple tenative bites, and that’s it. Any interest fizzles shortly thereafter… I’ve been out of the workforce for 4 years and didn’t have much of a career to speak of when I left to have babies. There is nothing for me to go back to, and the economy is crap. Something looked like it was going to come through, I was excited about the prospect and looking forward to it, then that fizzled.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for at the moment. But the past several months have been full of the God showing me the way things could be, then snatching that away in the blink of an eye. I don’t want to play anymore. I am tired of being teased – if God could grow up and play fairly, then we’ll see.