I’m still having a war with Facebook

Nothing grand, like battling Mark Zuckerberg, or even Facebook as a cooporation.

Just Facebook, and use of, in my personal life.

The fact is, I like it, because it makes me feel like people know I exist.

Which, as someone who’s pretty much ‘only’ been a mum for most of the last decade, can feel pretty special.

I like feeling like I state something about life, or about my experience as a whole, and feel like someone will see it, like someone cares.

Isn’t that why Facebook is so freakishly popular, after all?

But I’m not always a nice person – although I try not to be overtly mean as much as possible, it’s often a grey area.  I am very far from perfect.

The same, of course, applies to other people.

This is where it all goes wrong.  I say something, which can be interpreted so many ways, someone takes offense, says something back, which I take offense to.

Or sometimes someone comments on a photo – and I think “a comment!  cool!” except it’s advice telling me how to make it better.  Which smacks of it ‘not being good enough’ and I take offense.

I have mega-issues about not being good enough.  So I’m sensitive to that, y’know?  And someone trying to give advice is usually just trying to help me be better rather than say I’m not good enough.  But that’s not how my brain hears it.

Facebook also highlights for me, that while I have some hundreds of ‘friends’ on Facebook, it’s not the same as ‘real life’ friends.  Truth is, when it comes to wanting to spend an evening with someone, just for the company, I have very few people I can go to.  When it comes to me having a crisis and needing some practical, hands-on help, I have even less.

I find it so easy to feel loneliest whilst in a crowded room.

Facebook is my crowded room.

And I’m thinking that maybe it’s time for me to spend some time actually alone in a room – virtually, and possibly really as well.  At least when you’re truly alone, you can only get mad at / take offense at / blame yourself.