Oops, I did it again.

Today I overdid it, and I am not thrilled with myself. Notably, I’m most annoyed by the fact that I overdid it for a stupid reason. 

Back in 2013 I started walking for mental health.  The focus was not to be on weight loss or calories or any of that – but as an acknowledgement that my mental health does better when I get outside and I move some.  

In between then and now, I got sucked in my diet culture again and exercise became about calories and competition.  I once again got sucked into the belief that the only “good” fat person was one who was publicly and visibly exercising, and ideally not eating.  I had ‘almost’ ditched diet culture before this, but my mental health was low and I was more than ready to believe anything negative that might be said about myself, whether true or not.  Exercise was no longer about exercise or enjoyment or getting fresh air, nor was it about mental health; exercise was now about going further faster and longer, pushing yourself and not accepting less.  Exercise was about earning the right to exist, the right to eat.  Taking photos of said exercise was about showing the world that I had worth because despite being unacceptably fat, I was doing the work. 

At the end of last year, 2020, I managed to drag myself out of it.  It was after doing an hour swim and an hour’s walk and still feeling like I hadn’t “done enough to count”, or to share, that it occurred to me these were not valid thoughts.  Somewhat by accident, I fell into (whilst literally on the treadmill at the gym) the podcast Maintenance Phase which brought me back to what I already knew to be true and was instrumental in resetting my mindset.  However, I had to take a deliberate pause from going out to exercise… because I so quickly fell back into a harmful mindset. 

When I did try walking again, I had issues.  One leg in particular (but on occasions, both) goes numb after awhile and it becomes like literally walking on a dead weight.  It’s an issue I’ve had for awhile now (first experienced in highschool).  I’ve mentioned it to doctors but no one’s interested; the best I can find via Google is that it’s a sign of overdoing it.  So with that in mind I’ve been getting out walking again but very deliberately pacing myself slowly, both in terms of overall time, distance, and speed.  In doing that I’ve managed to feel the benefits of getting outside and walking.  I haven’t had any issues with my legs.  

Beyond that, I’ve recently discovered that exercise helps release the pressure and that “buzz” that builds up in me and leads to a meltdown when ignored.  Since that realisation I’ve made a point of getting out for a moderate amount of movement as much as practically possible.  Suddenly exercise is all about the mental health again.  I’ve been loving it.  The fact that it’s now the very beginning of swimming season here only makes that better. The water is my happy place. 

Today though, I got caught up by the stupid Apple Watch “rings”.  These are activity rings – the red measures calores (which I dislike, but there’s no option for changing it to steps, which I’d far prefer.  The blue measures standing – specifically, hours in which I stood for at least a minute.  The green is my nemesis.  In theory, it measures exercise.  Apple describes the exercise ring as measuring “anything as intense or more intense than a brisk walk.”  Frankly, I call B.S.  I’ve done walks, including with the Workout app, and had it not count anything from them.  Knowing that, and knowing that baseline… I foolishly went out today and decided I “was going to make it count”.  So I walked about as briskly as I could muster.  I managed 10 minutes at that pace before my calves cramped.  And then I decided that wasn’t enough so I slowed down a fraction and carried on for another 33 minutes. Yes, my leg went numb again, meaning I had to stop several times just to try to get some feeling back in it.  I stretched.  I paused.  I tried ‘walking in place’ movements to try to shake it off.  

I knew I’d overdone it.  I knew it when I was doing it. I knew it when I decided to fight that damned green ring.  

All that… and it didn’t work.  Apparently that was only 7 minutes worth of exercise.  Less, actually, because on closer inspection, three of my minutes were randomly gained at intervals across the day, but my 43 minute walk was only worth 4 minutes, according to Apple. 

Now I’m home, my calves and foot are cramping, and I have regrets.  

To be clear, I don’t regret going for a walk.  I had a great time at the beach.  I regret falling back into the trap of letting an app dictate my actions… and the link my brain automatically made from that to self-worth.

It’s You, Not Me.

Diet culture is everywhere.  

Everywhere. 

This includes inside us.  I’m writing this on the eve of my 38th birthday, and I can assure you, that I’ve been internalising diet culture for at least the past 28 years.  (I’m fairly certain that’s an underestimation, but just go with me on this).  

28 years of trying to shift my weight, to very little success.  Some people have drastic weight cycling (yo-yo dieting) journeys – times when they’ve lost all the weight and felt awesome… only to gain it back a short while later.  I am not that person.  I’ve dieted all my life, and only lost roughly 10kg or less each stint – but I’ve always, always, managed to find the weight again afterwards.  

This has had two main side effects.  By “side effects”, what I really mean is that these are the lasting impressions that stay with me, regardless of diet plan or “lifestyle change”. 

Food obsession

I will say that this one at least lessens slightly (slightly!) when I’m not actively “on a diet” (*cough* “lifestyle change”).  When I am, however, I think about food every waking minute – no exaggeration.  I can be reading a book, and wanting a snack, and feeling deprived, because I “can’t” have the snack.  I am thinking about the calories – how many I’ve had, how many I still have left, how many I can ‘add’ with exercise, how many I may or may not be over by, what that might look like in terms of numbers.  I am thinking about potential lunch or dinner options – and yes, even ones with built-in meal plans have had this effect.  Some of this stems from actual hunger.  Mostly though, it’s a hyper fixation with food that makes it top of mind all the time.  It makes everything harder.  By everything I mean everything – food choices are harder, but so is every decision that’s not food-related.  It’s having a voice in your head yelling at you, constantly, and trying to tune it out to focus on anything at all.  

Self Hatred

This may seem obvious, but hear me out.  Diet culture perpetuates self-hatred all the way through.  Obviously, it plays on self-hatred to get you to “buy-in” in the first place.  Sign up to this meal plan or that diet of this slimming club, etc, and be the “slimmer, healthier, newer you!”  Diet culture tells you that any problems you have in your life will be solved by being slimmer.  “Slimmer” here means overall more attractive, problem areas gone, a suddenly successful love life, financial success, social success.  Obviously changing your appearance affects all of these, and the key to doing it is merely whatever product is being sold.  

More insidious than that is that diet culture relies on self-hatred the whole way through.  Gained weight today? That’s your fault, you must not have followed the plan.  Clothes not looking like you’d hoped?  That’s your fault, you’re not doing the right exercises.  The plan is too expensive?  That’s your fault – you’re making poor financial decisions.  The plan is too rigid and doesn’t integrate with life?  That’s your fault – you’re clearly not committed enough.  Anything that doesn’t work, or isn’t ideal, about diet culture is “you”, not “it”.  After all, that’s how they draw their customers in, again and again, including those who have tried and failed before.  

Diet culture is like a Multi-Level Marketing scheme (MLM).  

Both diet culture and MLM’s promise you the world – change your entire life, be free of all your problems – and both take no ownership in the reality.  Both see their believers fail drastically more frequently than they succeed, and both wash their hands of that entirely.   If either of these things gave report cards, they would always read: “Could try harder.”